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Narcissist Personality Disorder - Are you a victim ? Find out

Sunday, 31 May 2020 /



Locked down due to Corona , we all are !  And trust me we all are bringing something positive out of it.  Me too,Scratch that #METOO. Ring a bell ?  It was a whole physical abuse movement and our hearts were bleeding every time we heard one . Towing the same hashtag, today I am sharing my own abuse story my ongoing emotional lockdown with a Narcissist  - METOO. It sounded much better in my head but sorry for the silly pun with a serious cause. This is going to be quite a lengthy and a serious post so don't give up on me halfway. Be with me till the end,get your cup of tea ready in your hand and read my life pour.

Abuse is an abuse . Period ... All abuse is not physical or outright verbal. Some abuse like Mental abuse is more insidious and starts out slow with small indiscretions until you are programmed to always accept the bad behavior which  kills you on the inside. 
How do you discover,acknowledge and prove that you are suffering ? How about you don't even know that you are subject to abuse and torment by a Narcissist personality and your friends and family think your suffering is normal and its okay for you to be treated like that . I SAY - ITS NOT OK AND IT IS ENOUGH.


Narcissist victims like me are perpetually in a state of unawareness of what's going on and why a certain person behaves like a total jerk.There is constant suffering and turmoil and well that part is SCARINGLY REAL !!
I had my share of ups and downs in my life . From a happy go lucky person to always remaining in my zone at the same time quite contented with what I had, living in the moment and always minding my own business is my general mannerism.
The past few months were very Dark and damaging for my mental being . Going through abuse was a very lonely experience. I was dealing with lies , loss of self esteem , deception and so much more. I felt like a frog in boiling water that slowly got cranked up to boiling . My head was messed up and emotions were played with, and all this led to a lingering feeling of helplessness with sudden bursts of my pent up anger generally directed towards my daughter and husband . It was a messed up scenario and I  never realized the intensity of it until I started explaining it to my therapist.

This helplessness started to extend to other areas of my life too. I was always anguished , demonstrated inadequate self esteem and my mind kept looking for the answers of my raised aggression and outward signs of annoyance .I tried to calm myself by meditation but all that trauma and flashbacks never left my subconscience . My concentration level dropped from 100 to 0.

My trauma was real and valid and I needed a space to talk about it . Me writing this post is firstly a very Brave step to come out from the paranoia of shame and accepting that I was abused . Second step is coming out of the abuse cycle ( still trying ) and thirdly creating awareness coz any one of you reading it could be facing it and won't even know it . Sad no ? Enlightenment awaits you at the end of the post . 

Finally I decided to see a therapist who diagnosed me with Past Traumatic stress disorder .  Booom !!!
Now here I was suffering with a real mental condition. So am I crazy ? I asked my therapist. To which she answered , " No you are not but you are led to believe that you are " and this gaslighting can eventually make you crazy, even if you choose not to . Being forced to question your own reality is abuse and the one I was specifically dealing with is Narc Abuse.   


I am neither desperate , pathetic or attention seeking , but the magnitude of my struggle was so intense and TBH quite devastating . It was not just a bad relationship experience , it was strangulation of my spirit. It was dismantling and destruction of my inner happiness one piece at a time .Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you so why be around these people ?

So Who is a Narc ? - A person who suffers from Narcissist personality disorder and they leech on to the victims who could be their immediate family member or spouse . On the other hand victims like me become enablers who supply them with attention, our frustation , our own fears , attempts to explain ourselves over and over and vulnerability through emotions/care and that's when a Narcissist become brutal. Narcissist love attention . If they can't get positive attention they master in creating negative attention by inflicting chaos and conflicts.  It all made me so uncertain of myself ,constantly seeking clarification  with haunting questions like - Did I make a mistake ? Did I misheard something ? Am I unworthy ? And was I doing it all wrong ? Questions , questions and doubts ........... I was defending myself to a Narcissist . Of course The Narc knew I was right they just wanted me to go crazy trying to prove it. And honestly I went. 

Hello everyone now Meet the new me - The crazy me Or the Crazy Bee as some of you might like to call me .  ( Sorry I promised no jokes , hence no jokes after this point - I shapath )

Now Lets put it in simple lay man words . So who is this Narc again ? 
A Narc is a J-E-R-K. You can't diagnose a person for being a jerk and there is no medication avaiable for being one. But the good thing is a lot of people ( like myself) are now contemplating and analyzing this kind of extreme behavior and trying to find where in their life its showing up. I did my own research and you must look out for Dr Ramani's videos on you tube. They help a lot . 

ITS AMAZING HOW MUCH DESTRUCTION ONE PERSON CAN CAUSE 

In our routine life, you do come across some people who rub you in the wrong way, BUT on the other hand some really get under your skin and create havoc and misery.  It was always strange, and bitter around this person and I never knew why there was so much vindictiveness until they decided to enter my life full fledged . It was a state of progressive manipulation where I ultimately found myself always wondering how I ever got in that position . 

Since I am no expert on Narcissism, All the opinions and facts mentioned here are sourced from https://wnaad.com/ - a global movement which raises awareness and resources for survial and (Narc-helpguide org)uncovered with my own sufferings .  

I was manipulated and then i was made stuck in the pain. I suffered slow abuse over many years and the relationship was already loaded. The good part was that I had a few years off where I was distant hence was partially not in the so called "eligible " Narcissistic victim category, to which I assume there was another scapegoat. It was a temporary break from abuse, I didn't have any knowledge back then about Narcissism and life was pretty fine. But what lied ahead was a more dizzying phase of my life.I didn't see it coming but this time the tactics of abuse were so marvelously hidden that they could easily flyunder society's radar . I quote " Because the abuse is hidden so well ,in reacting to it the victim ( me) appears to be mentally unstable because the world only sees the reaction of the victim and NOT THE INITIAL ABUSE THE VICTIM IS METTED WITH"  - You made me go there darling .....

Dealing with Anxiety -  Anxiety about what would happen if this relationship ends , or worse, what if It sticks around  . It also affected adversly my other patterns in life like eating, sleeping, concentration , mensturation ,bad dreams. This overall sense of worry really overwhelmed me . What was happening to me ? I wanted to find answers . I was never like this . Shit had already hit the fan .


Some qualities of a person with Narcissist Personality disorder which I personally was subjected to
 ( source - WNAAD )
1. They use control of finances to manipulate 



2.Will Always be critical of their victims  - But hate it when they are criticized. Hence Always pay attention to what they are accusing you of . Its the closest thing to admittance of themselves and that is what I got in my relationship. 99% of what I was accused of or held accountable for was what that person was doing themselves. 



3. Narcissist are pathological Liars and dishonest in their dealings, and since they cannot tolerate disappointment they come out as quite arrogant and suck the whole joy out of any logical communication with their tantrums . 


4. Self serving and selfish ( no empathy ) . Always remember because Narcissists are empty and hollow from inside. It will  never be enough. Its not that I was not enough, nothing is ENOUGH.

5.Stonewalling - How I was stonewalled and given silent treatment and how it affected me and my mental health .
Stonewalling me was a typical toxic dynamic used by the Narcissist. It is one of the most dangerous trait in a Narcissistic handbook and honestly it did the most mental damage to me. A bunch of issues never got resolved or addressed with this person and silent treatment was used on me the minute I wanted to create an environment to keep a conversation going. The silence to questions like "what should we do about the car "or "bills "Or "how do you plan to repay a loan, were never looked as matters to resolve" instead were matters of potential conflicts in their larger plan to entitlement. I was getting walled up. It was like a choking feeling for me. Not able to figure what I am going through or what is this constant feeling of mental paralysis or running dead against a wall , I seeked advise from my therapist. During my phone conversation with her she used a term  "Stonewalling" I immediately got excited . Yeah that's how I feel, i exclaimed. There is a wall of stone and I am just banging my head on it continuously magically expecting a "Khul Ja Sim sim " moment.
Learning this new word used in Narc vocabulary ,my relatability got a new direction. Everything was clear now. Plastic cut outs of one liners used by this Narcissist like "OK", " I will let you know later and " I will think about it " it all made sense . I was STONEWALLED ... or STONE-WOW-LED.

She asked me to watch a video explained by Dr Ramani on stonewalling and the revelation was shocking . Dr. ramani says - The idea of growing a relationship from a point of vulnerabilty to trust is never on a radar for such people . Narcissist wants censoring a possible solution which in the first place can be easily arrived by having a converstaion . These simple tools for sorting out issues or deep stuff are so complicated for a Narcissist hence putting work in a relationship is never the way these Morons think . Plus they get a high knowing now they control you, which is the same as getting high from drugs. This is how they dose and this was what was exactly happening with me . The abuser was dosing with control and I was tripping in trauma. It is like vodoo. I couldn't put a finger on it, didn't know how to get out of it and my sanity was questionable.

And what was even more funny was I was taking responsibility of this toxic pattern even though it was being done to me. I was called too pushy, hasty and insensitive in the process and trust me at one point I believed I was all these things. So much for my self worth all going in the bin.

This makes me draw up 2 things to clear this self blaming smoke and if you find yourself in the same position, learn from my experience.

a) The questions I asked this Jerk were uncomortable to answer because the answers would reveal the malicious plan they had in mind.( remeber they are manipulative) read point 1 again.
b) I was already close on catching up on the Bull shit of this person I cared for and I was being punished for finding out.
puzzle solved.
 This passive aggressive behaviour was Abuse of a higher level to not only hurt me but it felt like some 
" Back Door " insult where this person wasn't screaming or angry but was acting ridiculously petty and emotionally stunting. I became certain of one thing- that this relationship was coming to a DOWNFALL and it was made to look like it was my fault .
Now take this feeling and put yourself in my shoe and experience that feeling.  How do you feel now ? Shitty ? Welcome to my world of emotional hell .

6.Narcissist are Super envious and jealous of their victims . So was my abuser . It comes from a typical Narcissist trait of feeling the sense to entitlement.
"They love what you could do for them more than they Love you."
They simply demand and do not listen. You are only useful as long as you provide. Gimme Gimme Gimme! I was supposed to magically mind read this person's needs and wishes to make them happy and if I ran out of ideas all hell was unleashed at me. No matter how benevolent my family was in making this jerk comfortable , in the end we were left emotionally and financially drained but instead were tagged as selfish, guilt tripped for not caring enough and always inadequate. Just the opposite. It was getting exhausting and honestly so tiring.

7. Narcissit Never admits to being wrong and will never take No for an answer . They would simply not listen .

8. Narcissist have poor respect for boundaries and they love invading your privacy .They love to destroy/ steal any of your personal possessions that belong to you especially that hold some value in your life - source-  Narc mental health survivor guidelines 
There was a lot of snooping around in my life , what I am wearing, eating , secretly reading my texts and making the contents public at the same time hiding my personal photo albums, and doing sneaky things to hurt me which I couldn't prove but even if I  somehow managed to  prove it, all my abuser did was fake innocence (pathological liars ). 
My personal belongings started missing/hidden and I never understood all these red flags that I was dealing with a Narcissist and that too with a kleptomaniac trait. Now tell me can I pass it as an act of dumbness ?  Seriously .........I ask you . Would you rather think its dumb Or this repetitive bad behaviour is inflicted in all their awareness ?

Let me also answer this  - For someone to do that they must come from a place of sick satisfaction. They know how to push the boundaries to get one frustrated response from their victim coz deep down you are done with this sadist behaviour and they know it and that's when they creep in to change the game . They crave for you to give one negative reaction/supply for which they make you go there purposely and the minute you snap, they suddenly become the victim and that too in front of an auedience . You tell me now, does that sound like too " DUMB " to know what they do ? THEY KNOW . 


9. Narcissist are delusional . Thats why my abuser was always able to rationalize all their bad behavior and feel no guilt for all the horrible things done to me . Read point 4 again . Yes lack of empathy .






You Can't confront a Narc and say You did this you did that Blah blah blah !! Na na its not happening .

Reason :  They are manipulative and live in denial. The emperor has no clothes and he can't be told. All I ended up was going round and round in circles . No matter which way I moved I was walking into an Abyss . 
You can't move anywhere in this relationship . You can't move out of it  and you can't communicate about it.  I was desperately trying to hold it together and since my loving folks had no understanding of a Narc behavior, they were helplessly looking at me going crazy. And in a weird way it felt like I was . Any sane person would go crazy. The relationship was slowly breaking me apart. Its a difficult and horrible experience to go through and I don't wish it on anyone.

The Narcissist exaggerated or grandiose sense of self-importance prevents them from owning their part in problems . That means you are the one who ruined everything in their life thats less than perfect. In my case , I am the one who is responsible for Covid19 and since their future plans got disrupted/stalled because of Lockdown, I should be taking the blame . That is how pathetic their thought process is . I dismissed it earlier but when I saw Dr. Ramani's Instagram post - That A Narcissist would blame you for the pandemic, my inner voice was only whispering two words - "GET OUT "

 Ever heard of the phase "Instant Karma"? "maybe its getting delivered" . 


Narcissistic Trust issues and how it affected me  



My abuser has serious trust issues with me . This was self destructive for my conscience and quite shattering since I was always the giver in the relationship .  No matter what I or my family did or offered for that person ,we were never good enough. This eventually drove me to sheer madness  and irritability and I didn't feel like myself most of the times. There was a pattern to this abuse I was subjected to, I couldn't unsee this pattern nor I knew what it was .

Narcissist never Own up and are Pathological liars.Giving them a chance is enabling them. Enabling to come and abuse you even more . 

My abuser lied so convincingly but always incorporating a grain of truth , ( tiny grain ) so that their stories sound believable. Even if their stories didn't add up in my case, they were told with such confidence and conviction that the audience starts filling the gaps with benefit of doubt . The use of fake vulnerability and fake humility always worked for my abuser to trash me , and put me at fault . Even when I tried to disprove these fabrications with facts for eg presenting proof of a conversation which happened but the liar in the Narcissist kept denying it, I was called out for being petty to have that proof in the first place. I suddenly became the Black sheep coz I was able to see through all the bull shit and was called dismissive and Mean and trust me all this became more and more fatal because I started questioning my own reality for taking the liar to the cleaners .Did I do right by exposing that person ? So what if they lied ? Maybe I was wrong for having a proof of their lie. Trust me I was shifting my own normalcy .


Toxic people condition you to belive that the problem isn't the abuse itself ,but your reaction to it -source -wiki .

My abuser maintains a calm , easy-going , angelic and well composed fascade which is very convincing to the outside world .  But the true malevolent dark face was only unleashed to me in private. Narcos are in full control of their vulnerability because they know your weak spots or emotions , which they will use against you in the moments when you will try to expose them.  All this comes from a sense of control , because a Narcissists are controlling,they have to win . It makes them feel powerful . This false sense of power can come from fame or irrelevant material things and importantly from assests and 
money (mostly not their own rather obtained through cheating the victim or manupulation with a Pseudo feeling that they are entitled to it)


PLS SAVE THE PERSON RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU 
 IF SOMEONE ENTRUSTS YOU WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT THEY ARE BEING ABUSED PLEASE DON'T DOUBT THEM . RATHER ASK -
"WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP YOU "


Narcissist and The #FLYINGMONKEYS 
Flying Monkeys is a term used in popular Psycology and is associated with Narcissistic abuse (  and you thought I am bringing some pun to my trauma - NOPE ) Its so ironic coz I actually felt like being dealt with monkeys in literal sense. So who are these people which mental science hilariously calls as monkeys ? Are they in your life too ? If they are you must look out for them and block them for good.

FLYINGMONKEYS or the Negative vibe tribe . In simpler words they are Narcissist agents who acts as proxy and do the bidding on behalf of Narcissist . They can be your family members or your close friends whom the narcissist has so convincingly succeded into manipulating that they start believing the abuser's narrative.  
Stories told by this Narcissist in my life were told with  such conviction, and despite being aware of the invalidation done to me, these flying monkeys kept saying things like “ oh come on let it be like that”, “if that is what he/she wants let them do it that way”, the Narcissist fan club not only remained supportive of the Narcissist but also felt sorry for this shady abuser. So twisted. 
Whereas On the flip side I was once threatened that if I didn't abide by the shots the Narcisisst wanted to take and not only that, if I didn't help the Narcissist in their schemes which I clearly knew originated from manipulation (remember postponing, excuses, lies  that is how they deal with issues )my abuser would then have full rights to delay/withhold pending urgent issues.
I felt more silenced and more invalidated. It was like I should become an obedient foot soldier who should be executing plans unquestioningly. Its not healthy to have your feelings and fears minimised and statements like these were designed to pull out maximum guilt from me. 
And in Siding with the Narc,  they were not only condoning the abuse towards me , they were miserably failing to take a stand by lacking morality.You need to be a sadist to stand with the Narcissist sadist thoughts and actions which made me believe that these flying monkeys always had a unresolved vendetta against me and this shadowboxing was giving some sort of thrill to them.    While I was guilt shamed into agreeing to most of the things, in order to maintain peace my therapist calls it a legit TRAUMA RESPONSE to abuse. And by doing that I not only disrespected my boundaries rather made myself a whole lot uncomfortable. There was a joint effort to take me down and infact I felt everyone was there to just pick the meat off my bones in the name of assistance and I was getting pulled into their drama more and more.I felt as if I could never get out of this RUT. Abandoning the Narc for my peace of mind only meant more pain through guilt and shame schemed in words, blackmailed through emotions, by these flying monkeys that at one point I thought they were more menacing than the Narc itself and impacted my condition even more.  IS IT WORTH IT ? Sadly NO. 

Save your energy and don't reason.  I now leave the Colosseum and let  the Universe deliver justice . READ THAT AGAIN . 


Closure -  There isn't one so don't even expect one.Realising that a Narcissist is Batshit crazy is your closure. 
Cutting contact with toxic people and Narcissist will transform your life .


At first it feels miserable , and I held myself guilty for not being there for that person ,but as time goes on it feels each passing day is an unexpected blessing . This realization would have not come to me at a better timing than these difficult pandemic times coz practically I am spending more time with my thoughts at home right now and trust me these thoughts are positive and directed towards my growth and love for my husband and daughter . There is lot of self-respect , boundaries have given me a new zest for life and I am nurturing self care like no other times . Instead of running around absorbing and forgiving everything I am spending time with my family who do not behave in a way that requires constant explaining to begin with . The freedom is allowing my spirit to thrive . I am sure one day I would be looking back thinking how I even tolerated interacting with such unhealthy person/s . Healing has now involved me into acknowledging the reality of the situation and moving on knowing this could never be the healthy loving relationship I want or I was hoping for . Getting out and not giving any benefit of doubt is my new mantra . 
My new self has started feeling protective of my old self and that's a pretty neat place to be. 

Today on 1st June- World Narcissist Abuse Awareness day , I dedicate this post to all the surviors stuck in a relationship with a Narc. Its about knowledge , sharing, Identifying the signals and do some soul healing . You can heal from broken bones but its the broken souls that need forever to heal. Don't be in a one sided relationship, identify these signals and muster up the courage to walk out of abuse. Its not about being selfish , its saving your life and that should be the only thing that MATTERS . 


Love and Healing 
Surbee  


Using Peels to Revitalize Your Skin

Tuesday, 18 February 2020 /

There are a lot of ways you can benefit from a trip to your local skincare clinic. Some procedures are only good for the treatment of specific skin ailments. However, there are many that can generally revitalize anyone's skin, as well as sometimes treat specific skin concerns in the process. Peel procedures are examples of such multi-functional treatments.

The Purpose of an Aesthetic Peel Treatment
An aesthetic peel treatment is a way of removing all of the gunk that attaches itself to the surface of your skin quickly and efficiently. That can include cosmetics residue, pollutants, and remnants from products you have deliberately used on your skin. It can also include your skin itself. Like a snake skin, human skin does peel off. It just does so in amounts usually so small that you do not notice. When dead skin is not removing itself from your body fast enough, it can clog your pores. Peels are helpful for unclogging those pores to prevent acne and other irritations from happening.

Peel procedures are also helpful because debris and dead skin cells block healthier skin below. Not only can having a peel clean up dirt and foreign materials, but also reveal that healthier skin. When it shows through, your appearance can immediately improve. Thus, a peel often provides fast and gratifying results.


What Your Peel Procedure Options Are


When it comes to types of peels, you have many options. For example, there are chemical peels offered in most clinics. You can also opt for JetPeel Facial procedures  or various laser treatments. Various types of light treatments, needle-based procedures and other devices are available as well. You could even opt to have your skin treated with a hand-held microdermabrasion tool that exfoliates the skin.


Considering the Potential Side Effects and Recoveries of Peels
Peel procedures have their ultimate goals in common but not much else. The methods used to perform various peels are all different. For that reason, they each have their own sets of possible side effects. They also each have specific expectations as far as healing. For example, recovery and full skin reparation after a deep chemical peel takes longer than after a mild topical peel. You have to consider those factors when choosing a treatment.

Narrowing Peel Options Down Based on Your Skin
Your skin also matters when selecting a peel procedure. Some procedures, such as JetPeel, work well on multiple skin types. Others, such as certain types of ablative lasers, are inappropriate for some skin types. Namely, you have to take the most care when your skin is dark, especially when exploring laser treatment. The natural oils on your skin can also react badly to heat-based peel procedures like laser treatments. If you have those issues, you either need to look for an approved laser procedure for your skin type or explore alternatives, such as microdermabrasion.

Factoring in Personal Preferences When Selecting a Peel
Assuming all things are equal and your clinician certifies that you are eligible for most types of peels, you still have to make a choice. Factoring in your personal preferences is one way to do that. For example, you might decide to select the procedure with the shortest recovery time, lowest cost, or least expected discomfort.

Keep in Mind How Adaptable Peels Are
Ultimately, a peel of some type can be beneficial most of the time. That is because peels are so diverse and adaptable. You can select exactly the type you need. Then you can also choose the precise depth of the treatment you want. With that level of customization, it is easy to see why peels have remained among the top clinical skincare procedures for years.







Best Men’s Attire for an Indian Wedding – Look Like a Prince

Sunday, 1 September 2019 /



If your best friend is getting married and you’ve been invited to an Indian wedding as the best man, you’re probably confused about what to wear. Should you get traditional Indian couture? Or, can you get by in a standard tuxedo? Of course, you’ll want to ask the groom about what to expect. But, when you’re starting to look around, here are some important factors to keep in mind. 

How to Keep fitness track on a vacation

Wednesday, 12 June 2019 /

Summers  is in full swing here  , which only means one thing - Its freaking sweaty and hot. I am Planning a few trips to beat the heat with only one set back every time . How to stay fit when on a holiday ?
Every holiday comes with its own set of Pros and Cons ! For me it always throws in a monkey wrench on my fitness program. Before going on a vacation the focus is always on being in the best of shape, but post that it shifts on to losing the weight !!
This time around, I made sure that I at least maintain my months of hard work, so that there is  no baggage of any regretted pounds and it Worked !!! Wanna know How ? Here are a few pointers :

•  Packing workout clothes(it derives motivation and keeps you accountable to do justice to what you pack ).If your hotel/ resort has a gym, then half the battle is over, what you only need is a bit of determination, n will power(in my case it means getting up early  ).
 If it doesn't have one ,engage in activities like Swimming, playing a sport, or Cycling. I made it a point , that I regularly do my swimming laps !

• Go hiking- I remember my trip to Chennai , wherein when I had to choose best stay options near Chennai  I made sure the  resort had beautiful hiking spots . I remember that the hotel we chose had rubber plantations spread around 1000 acres, perfect to hike and I already had a hiking mission in my mind when I planned my itinerary so this was totally on the agenda . I decided to explore it one day, and god knows how many times the step watcher app on my phone beeped !! It was sort of congratulating me on every 10,000 step(my daily target). End result- I had to call a resort car to take me back. It OVERWORKED.

• Count that Calorie - I always made it a point to start every meal with lots of salad and soup And was shameless enough to finish the salad spread for 15 people all alone one day …. lol. But u need not go that overboard. The idea is to half fill the tummy with low calorie intake, so that you save only half your appetite to explore unhealthy options - hell Yeah -It worked

• Convert-Waiting at the Airport to Walking at the Airport, browse the shops, keep moving while you can, coz you will be glued to your seat in the craft .Your walking Mate App will prove how much calories these airport walking burns !!

• Pack a light and healthy snack from home or resort for the airport and flight so you don’t end up with a can of Pringles or Pizza and regret it later.There is a word called moderation.

• Sit back and Relax-Don’t spend so much time stressing about staying healthy on vacation, that you can’t enjoy where you are. When your mindset is healthy, your choices will follow. Stay active as much as possible so that it’s okay if you have a couple extra cheat meals.
In the End Work hard and play even harder :) Hope this post was insightful !
Signing off with a few vacation pictures of my own .



Designer Spotlight - Renu Dadlani / Chikankari / Parsi Gara / Kashmiri Jamawar / Paper Mechier

Sunday, 12 May 2019 /

Indian age old crafts are falling into oblivion and it’s no wonder the focus is shifting to fast fashion and the whole market is being pushed beyond its envelop.Indian craft and heritage is a legacy which needs to be passed on but is the younger generation or as we call them MILENNIALS aware of the ancient weaving skills,the mastery of the thread work, or natural appreciation on these laborious garment?  I don't think so! 
It is clear that the onslaught of modern technology has taken its toll on weaving or traditional forms of trade.
Today I am going to introduce you to Women Ethnic label Renu Dadlani,whom I had the pleasure to spark a dialogue about various facets of Indian crafts and different embroideries found in her designs.Initially I wasn't aware what surprise awaits me when one day I was asked to come visit her studio space in Sarvodya Enclave and check out various thread work embroideries she expertise in at the same time conversing with my ignorant self- C'mon how good it can be? She only said one sentence - "Seeing is Believing " so just come. I was drawn to her confidence and commitment and the passion that resounded in whatever 5 minute of conversation we had! The meeting was fixed later in the week and I won't lie it was so surprising to meet a designer who was not only passionate about her work but was also working towards a vision to bring something new while reviving the age old crafts.I feel that's where the whole difference lies and believe me,I can draw this conclusion after meeting hundreds of designers and attending about endless fashion shows and fashion weeks.The fire,the passion,the love,the purity - I found everything in one label.

Renu Dadlani is Rejuvenating the crafts by giving the  whole mechanism a little push,and producing designs keeping in mind the needs of the customer and recent trends which also don't drain the pocket rather meets the needs of the discerning buyer.Her main work includes CHIKANKARI,KASHMIRI JAMAWAR,ZARDOSI,PARSI GARA And PAPER MECHIER etc.She believes in teaching the artisans various techniques and creating value out of their talent.Not only that they are being rewarded in their journey with Renu Dadlani they are also taught how to fuse the ancient with modern in order to make a fashionable attire for today's modern Bride, at the same time not ignoring the fashion needs of a simple working woman,or maybe a College girl looking to wear something Ethnic yet fashionable. That's the beauty of the Brand.She caters to every kind of woman,and understands where the aesthetics of this fashion industry is going.With Renu Dadlani you can get only quality. Recognised for their design which anyone would be happy to pass it on to the generation because not only they are timeless,they have prevailed over 100 years and still make their relevance for their exclusivity.
You are soon going to find out when you scroll down to these beautiful pictures depicting her designs and how each one of them can narrate a beautiful story.

Sharing her vision,Techniques and a little bit about the designer in my tete-a-tete with her and some fun facts and behind the scenes.

Question: Please tell us about your craft and variety of embroideries used on the garments?
Ans.) Thread crafts and the needle techniques,few on small frames,few on a wide wooden frame (Adda) and few from the looms.These are not just the crafts for us, these are the traditions we are trying to retain. If you ask for the names then you can simply call them CHIKANKARI, PARSI-GARA and Kashmiri embroideries such as JAMAWAR and PAPER MECHIER.These are the widely known names given to the art-forms, but when we talk of our craft and work,we would love to include the terms, wood carving, block- printing,
khaka development, traditional washing techniques, different dyeing techniques etc.
So, for us,this is the journey of woven textile from one solid form to the textured,elaborated, detailed, structured and coloured garments.
For example,Chkankari is the textured form of the textile and Kashmiri Jamawar is the art of the embroidery where colourful threads cover the surface of raw fabric and give it a reversible feel, we have the collection of Kashmiri Sarees where the base fabric is not even visible.

Question- How elaborate is the production process?

Ans.) If we are talking about the duration of developing the particular ensemble, then I would say it is different for each hand-made article. Few takes months to develop the surface, others take more than a year.
The production of an ensemble starts with the designing whereas as an inspiration, we study the age-old cultures which are responsible for the birth of the craft traditions.
We develop motifs, color stories and moods followed by the sketches of the silhouettes. Once we are sure with the look, which is not just to justify the design but also has to do with the justice with hand-crafted evergreen fashion traditions.

The journey begins now.The raw textile is first given for the dyeing and our dyeing team from Lucknow is master in the traditional dyeing techniques.
As per the desired look, the raw textile would be marked with the patterns. At this stage, the whole process can go wrong if the stitching team doesn’t take care of a very important issue which is shrinkage while dyeing, wash and embroidery.
Simultaneously wooden block Artist carves the required motif and block. The khaka-artist develops the khaka once he gets the patterns of the design.
The marked textile then goes for printing. Block printing artists are too good with their skill. “When he holds the block to trace the impression, his calculation never goes wrong".
Now the raw printed surface is all set to be converted into the legacy by the experts of the needle-art.
So,the result of the passion they hold for years is the transformation of a raw textile into the hand-crafted luxury ensembles.
The journey of textile doesn’t end here. Now behind the scene washers and dyers comes into the frame to clean and polish the embroidered piece of "jewel".
So for us, any of the crafts are not an individual. This is an Idea where several artists work together and several communities are involved to create an "individual piece of Art".

Question- What is the perspective and ideology you had in mind when you started?
Ans- It is about 20 to 22 years ago when the idea was evolved.I always had love and passion for the thread embroideries,and during my research on these I found that it was the decline period of these arts but the fact is that the darkest hour is just before the dawn. Many were working to revive the art-forms. While traveling I found majorly the form of the craft being revived was not as good as earlier traditional one. So, because of my personal attachment I gave my thoughts to it and started developing the collection of a few cotton ensembles, only in the best quality.
This is how the journey started to maintain the legacy of these art forms. Later, I involved Parsi-Gara, Kashmiri Jamawar, and paper mechier also with it.

Question- How do you acknowledge your artisans and craft or people that work for you and how do you want your buyers to respond to this art?

Ans- We have a team of Karigars since 20 years,and we encourage them by appreciating the work they do.We always consider them as the pillars to the label and fromTime to time they are rewarded for their efforts, in cash incentive, gifts and bonus. Apart from all these, they are our family,and we strongly believe that these practices have to be passed on to their next generation and the generation should also take it as an honour to participate and not because they have no option but to do the same work their forefathers have been doing.
We are glad to share that the next generation of the artisans,who have worked for us 20 years back is happily involved with us and doing a great job.
(What we expect from the buyer) Everyone has a different perspective. For some its a couture garment, for some this may be just a nice saree and few may find my designs differing their taste.
We want our buyer to feel the purity of the handwork.Someone has lived with it for so long to make it into this luxurious design,we want them to understand the originality of these garments and these art-forms, at the same time we want our buyers to feel proud of owning the handwork legacy which they can later pass down to their next generations.


Question- Your views on sustainability?
Ans- Sustainability should be the next trend.It is the" future.”The growing and fast moving fashion culture are somewhere affecting the traditional environment, but sustainable fashion maintains it because of its depth and long-lasting attribute.
Each culture has significance for the society and the arts and crafts are an integral part of sustaining the culture.The present emerging lifestyle can influence arts and crafts. However the originality of arts and crafts needs to be maintained.
For example Parsi- Gara is completely different from chikankari or Kashmiri,despite being a thread craft.Visual appearance is created with the much bold and prominent motifs,which adds color and vibrancy to a solid textile.
The motifs of Gara have evolved by the time,but the original look is sustained.We believe in exploring designs because “explorations are always required to break the monotony,without affecting the original appearance,significance and the quality of the garment.
Question- What vision do you have for your brand /label?
Ans.) My USP is the work and I want to spread the awareness of these art forms worldwide.I want the label to be identified with the best-handcrafted luxury worldwide .

Look 1
I am wearing a Luxurious Chikankari Thread work Lehenga with impeccable craftsmanship and a labour of 18 months to finish this whole outfit .Classy never goes out of style and that's what makes all her designs special and one of a kind.








Look 2 - The Second look features a Long Flowy Anarkali style jacket with Pink Buds and yellow blooms in a traditional Parsi Gara embroidery.The Pink Sharara comes embossed with tone on tone Chikankari and a Parsi border.This outfit is a perfect Amalgamation of traditional with modern stitching and a color palette fresh for a summer Mehandi or Iftar parties starting this month of Ramadan. 








Look 3 - 
Nothing beats the elegance of a Saree and every woman wants to cherish something with a little bit of history attached to it and what better than a Chikankari saree in pure white !!!  Dreamy isn't it?
This white Saree features pure Georgette Chikankari work and a Labour of 12 months to complete.I personally feel I have never felt more beautiful (inside out) in a saree before and the minute I draped this master piece,I knew this it to be a perfect hands me down design I was holding on to. 





Look 4 - The final and the last picture series Features this Beautiful Parsi Gara Lehenga from Renu Dadlani" Palette of Hues "collection.Generally we don't see a lot of pastel options in a traditional"Gara embroidery but this royal Lehenga gets its own renewed twist with these Pastel florals merged into beautiful pastel shades still keeping the originality of the design.The lehenga comes with two dupattas -The pink one being the veil with Zardosi border and the second dupatta features the same design as the lehenga itself.







Look 2 and look 4 location courtesy - Andaz Delhi 

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